We here at Man vs. Rock pride ourselves on journalistic integrity above all else. Whether it’s stalking Charlie Sheen at a Chinatown brothel, trying to incite a race-war by forging the Oscar nominations, or filtering through dumpsters for Chelsea Clinton’s tampons, we take pride in our ability to break important stories, and to be in-the-know about pretty much everything.
So it was very troubling to us last month when DC mysteriously announced Rebirth without the slightest clue as to what it might be about or which characters it would affect. Will Batman return to the classic version made popular by George Clooney? Will Wonder Woman perfect her BDSM routine? Will Superman finally learn how to ride a horse?
We needed answers. So we did what any legitimate comics journalist would do: We p̶o̶s̶t̶e̶d̶ ̶r̶a̶c̶i̶s̶t̶ ̶s̶h̶i̶t̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶T̶o̶m̶ ̶B̶r̶e̶v̶o̶o̶r̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶u̶m̶b̶l̶r̶ snuck into the trunk of Geoff Johns’ limousine (by “limousine,” I really mean Oldsmobile minivan with an Aquaman sticker and duct tape holding together the bumper). After a couple of stops at local massage parlors and CVS to stock up on his Afrin addiction, Geoff Johns’s vehicle finally arrived at DC headquarters for the big meeting about Rebirth.
We exited the van, but we still faced a huge dilemma – how do regular folks like us sneak into an ultra-secure location like DC headquarters? After all, visionaries like Chuck Austen and Tom DeFalco have walked these hallowed halls–they don’t just let anyone in. To break into DC would require every ounce of smoothness and cunning in our bodies–we would have to look, act, and sound exactly like a DC creator. Luckily, both of us are shockingly athletic specimens with eight-pack abs and medium-sized penises. So we fit right in at DC’s offices, and the guards let us pass without bothering us.
Then we chanced upon a dark room with a giant round metal table. We heard voices and ducked.
“Kill them!” a shrill voice screamed!
We hugged each other in fear and braced for a fatal blow. Turns out, it was a different kind of blow.
“Kill them,” the voice screamed again “Kill them lines of cocaine before I do!”
We were shocked as we heard the sounds of the entire DC creative team ravenously snorting what sounded like a 55-gallon drum of booger sugar.
After they were done with their feast, they began talking in hurried tones about the future of Rebirth. The voices sounded vaguely familiar…
Diane Nelson: Alright, you dickless morons got us into this mess and now you’re gonna get us out! No more nose candy until this disaster is taken care of, and we’ve got Marvel by the balls again!
Geoff Johns: Don’t worry, we’ve finally got it figured out. The Rebirth thing will be…
We clutched our fists in rapt anticipation …
Geoff Johns: … a reboot of the original Obama Birther scandal. But this time, he’s less powerful and wears leather jackets and stuff.
Frank Miller: Yeah! He has no super powers at all! Instead of being president, he’s just a … ahhh …. just a janitor!
Geoff Johns: And instead of the Republicans going after him, ICE tries to send him back to Kenya! Take that Marvel!
Diane Nelson: So, it’s just a story about a janitor getting deported …
Geoff Johns: Okay, yeah, I guess it sounds pretty bad when you say it like that.
Grant Morrison: Move aside Johns and let a real creator work. Oh, how about this! Rebirth is an alternate multiverse…
Diane Nelson: I’m listening…
Grant Morrison: … where all the superheroes were aborted at birth! But because they are superheroes, their fetuses somehow survived. Imagine a pile of coat hangers in the sewer, where all of the superhero fetuses arise at once and descend upon humanity. The “Rebirth” of these aborted fetuses shows the people that abortion is truly a sin against God. Soon the whole world unites and burns every single Planned Parenthood to the ground. Women willingly forfeit their right to vote, seeing as how they abused the responsibility. Mexicans leave America of their own accord, and help build a wall to keep them out for good! Black people…
Diane Nelson: Okay that’s enough! It’s time to bring out the boss. What do you think we should do, Ben?
Ben Affleck: I thought you’d never ask. Let an award-winning artist solve this dilemma! Now picture this for a comic – Jennifer Lopez and I star in a romantic comedy about a mobster who falls in love with a lesbian …
Diane Nelson: That’s the exact plot of Gigli!
Ben Affleck: You actually watched that garbage?
Diane Nelson: Well, it’s better than any other idea we have. Lets fast track it, title it Batman v. Superman and call it day. And as far as Rebirth, lets pretend its a massive company-wide reboot with huge ramifications, and then just peddle the same old shit we always do. Now pass me the goddamn blow!
Everyone got so excited that ‘butterfingers’ Frank Miller dropped the coke underneath the table, giving away our position. In a matter of no time, Grant Morrison and Alan Moore ripped us up from underneath the table with the sheer power and force that only a comic book writer is capable of. We were then thrust upon the torture device known as the “Stan Lee Castrator.” As their whirling metal saw blades neared our family jewels, all we could think about was one thing: “with great power comes great responsibility …”
So with all our might, we reached into their back pocket and thrust a handful of cocaine into the air. Powerless, every DC creator instantly descended into powdery bacchanal, which itself eventually descended into a filthy orgy.
We managed to escape and as we spirited down the hallways, the sound of wet sloppy genitals spastically slapping against each other echoed through our eardrums. We may have made it out alive that day, but our very souls will be haunted by those sounds until the day we return to the dirt …
In conclusion, as my dreams are haunted by the images of reproductive fluids, blood, and cocaine all slowly mixing together as they swirl down a floor drain, we can only think of how excited we are for Rebirth, the Best DC Reboot Since New 52.