Like oil prices, twitter stock, and Jeb Bush Super PACs, you could say that superhero films are in a bit of a recession. Experts with film degrees from Trump University like myself believe this superhero downturn is caused by one thing:
Barack Husein Obama. too much predictability. Want to see Tony Stark preserve the Union against Captain America’s band of upstart confederates? Watch Civil War. Looking to witness Jennifer Lawrence in the nude without breaking federal privacy laws? Rent X-Men: First Class. Yearning to see Ryan Reynolds actually play a convincing superhero in a decent film? Check out Green Lantern. So moviegoers have literally seen everything. Everything except for one thing – a real Batman.
Despite three Fantastic Four reboots, a Brandon Routh Superman, and a baker’s dozen close-ups of Hugh Jackman’s ass, comic book fans have never actually seen a movie starring a half-way decent actor playing Batman. You might come back at me and say that Christian Bale and Michael Keaton have been nominated for Oscars, but to that I respond, “the same Oscars that didn’t even nominate American Sniper for anything this year?” Checkmate.
Since he memorably played a stiff wooden broom in the classic hit, Daredevil, audiences have been desperately asking, “when will Ben Affleck finally make die-hard comic book fans happy and play Batman?” And when I heard that Affleck was going to see his parents shot in an alley just like Val Kilmer and George Clooney, I was as excited as everyone else was! But can Ben Affleck finally remove the tarnish from the failed Dark Knight films that were dragged down by Christian Bale and Heath Ledger? Is Batman v. Superman: the Quest for a Hot Nanny, actually any good?
The answer is a resounding YES! Unlike Marvel Studios, which puts out about a dozen one-character snoozers before we finally get to see James Spader play an incompetent cyborg in Avengers, DC cuts out the boring foreplay and gets right to it—America style! In some ways, BvS mirrors the U.S. Presidential Election, in that Marvel is the predictable, boring Hillary Clinton candidate that’s going to drone on for 45 minutes about its past record and healthcare plan while pretending to know what a selfie is, whereas DC is the wildcard, Trump-like candidate that might build a wall around Metropolis or make fun of Gal Gadot’s period. If I’m DC, I’m going on twitter right now and telling Americans that Marvel is from Kenya, and demanding to see its corporate birth certificate. It’s chess vs. checkers folks, and right now, DC has Marvel by Spider-Man’s prepubescent testicles.
Another thing going for BvS is its modest budget. As an independent comic book creator, it’s refreshing to see that a movie can be made with only a $250 million budget. It reminds me of Watchmen, another Zack Snyder film which, despite heavy expectations, managed to completely exceed its source material, and please fans worldwide. Just like that film, fans across the globe should rejoice – because Batman v. Superman has redefined the superhero genre once and for all.
How Much Should It Make
There’s an old saying in the Bible that says: “It’s Ben Affleck’s world … we’re just living in it.” Mark my words, March 25, 2016 is the day DC rose up and delivered the final knockout blow to Marvel Studios. So for our final verdict, it goes without saying that Batman v. Superman should make enough to pay six months alimony to Jennifer Garner – or approximately $280 million.