Ladies, gentlemen, degenerates, sit down. We need to talk.

Let’s not beat around the bush: The Fast & Furious franchise is hands down the dumbest in the history of cinema.

After 22 years, there is nothing that I can tell you as a film critic that will either make you want to watch this film or run away from it. At this point, you are either all in for more Fast movies or you have tapped out from watching superheroes with cars a long time ago. There is no in-between.

And because your decision to see this movie has already been made, it follows that doing a traditional movie review for Fast X would be a complete waste of everyone’s time, including my own.

So against the wishes of the editors here at Bounding Into Comics, I decided that I’m not going to do one. Instead, I will be doing a non-review-review of the film.

What follows is a list, in order, of the thoughts that I had and wrote down as I took a bullet for you and watched all 141 minutes of the franchise’s latest bulls–t.

Society Reviews’ Non-Review of Fast X

• I’m so glad that this movie theater has a bar. Let’s get this over with. 
• Jason Momoa gives away his role as the villain of this film in the first 60 seconds of this movie just by wearing that tacky ass suit.
  
• Remember when Paul Walker died?  Remember when that was supposed to be the end of this franchise? Those were good times.

• The body count of Dominic Toretto has to be more than Freddy Krueger at this point – and that’s just counting the innocent drivers.
• So we’re basically just rewatching Fast Five at this point right?
• Haha, Aquaman is back inside the water…*Cries inside*
• Once again, we’re starting the film in Los Angeles. As if this franchise has anything to do with the first movie whatsoever anymore.

• That’s Dom’s kid???  That kid is blacker than Vin Diesel! How the hell is that his kid???
• Here we go with more ‘family’ nonsense.
• Ludacris looks like he walked out of a time machine after regrowing his trademark cornrows.
• It’s sad that, at this stage of his life, this franchise is pretty much the only source of income for Tyrese.
  

• Really? Now we’re doing MCU comedy in a Fast & Furious movie?
• Oh my God, just get to the stunts already! No one cares about the story.
  
• The funniest thing about this entire franchise is the fact that they’re still pretending that Michelle Rodriguez is straight.
• Charlize Theron is here – Better keep her away from children unless you want to end up like her ‘sons‘.

• Momoa is taking scene chewing to a new level right now.
• Hollywood has tried for 20 years to make sure Theron into an action star and it has not worked…ever.
• So, this franchise is just James Bond now?
• From illegal street racers to international secret agents. Please make that make sense.
• I see we’re back to shielding explosions with cars again, because that’s totally how it works.

• 90% of Ludacris’s dialogue is making him sound smarter than he actually is.
• Oh my God, this is a straight up Rocket League game right now.
• When Dom is in his car, physics don’t stand a chance.
• Wow…that newscaster has some huge cans.
• I’m Googling ‘big breasted Italian news lady’ but I can’t find a name…
• Teresa Perillo…and bookmarked. Wait, is that Brie larson?

• LOL at them trying to make any sense of the timeline of these last 11 movies.
• Did Michael Bay direct this scene? Why is the camera spinning around in a circle?
• The white special agent looks exactly like the ‘Yes Chad‘ meme.
• John Cena doing his ‘Attitude Adjustment’ finisher makes this the third wrestling move he’s performed in this franchise.
• Imagine being Dom’s neighbor. Didn’t his house blow up at one point? I’d move.

• Oh great…more foreign rap music.
• Daniela Melchior is the hottest chick in this film because she’s the only one younger than 45
• Momoa’s latest suit is even louder than the last one
• Okay, Momoa is starting to come off as extremely corny now.
• Momoa is playing three different personalities at the same time. Is he supposed to be menacing? Is he supposed to be funny? Who knows.

• Oh give me a break, we all knew that guy was dying. They aren’t letting the hottest chick in the film die.
• This film seems to be taking a lot of not-so-subtle shots at Christianity
• Even in this fictional movie, gas is $7 a gallon in California.
• There are way too many characters in this franchise.
• Why in the Cinnamon Toast hell is every film studio trying to sneak Pete Davidson into their movies?

• Oh no, the lesbians are fighting…
• Does anyone in this film actually know anything about hacking?
• I knew this movie was dumb, but the holy crap is this film just soaked in stupidity.
• You know, it’d be great if someone actually killed Dom at this point
• MUH FAMILY!!!!!!
• Hey remember when Eva Mendes was in this franchise? Those were good times.

• Yes! Larson is dead!!!
• Nevermind, Larson’s is not dead.
• So, Momoa is basically the Joker at this point right?
• Wait, everything that was done up to this very moment was just so Momoa could find Dom’s son and kill him? If that was the case, why didn’t he just attack them in Los Angeles at the very beginning when they were all together?
• Okay, Momoa is just annoying the crap outta me now.
• Every person who has been a villain in this franchise has come back in the very next movie to be a hero.
• Does that mean that Momoa is going to be a hero in the next movie?

• Oh no, Cena is dead! …Who am I kidding, they will bring him back. No one ever dies in this franchise.
• Hey, look everyone! Dom is killing more innocent people…
• No, seriously, does anyone actually die in this franchise?
• I’m sorry, didn’t they already do this ‘drive-a-car-down-a-dam’ stunt?

• Apparently, if you’re trying to outrun a gas explosion, just use NOS! That will solve the problem.
• Oh there’s a shocking twist. The white guy who looked like the ‘Yes Chad’ meme was actually the villain the entire time.
• Gal Gadot is back…I guess the only people who are going to stay dead are Paul Walker and Gina Carano.

• Did this movie just end on a freaking cliffhanger? You motherfu….
• They actually ended this movie with a non-ending???
• Oh my God, we’re really getting two more of these movies aren’t we?
• The Rock is back – I guess Black Adam didn’t pan out so well, did it?

The best thing that I can say about Fast X is that it’s 2 minutes shorter than the last movie.

Had we not gotten a soap opera style cliffhanger for an ending, I probably would have been a bit nicer on the film, but at this point, the franchise doesn’t deserve any slack.

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