‘The Watchers’ Review – Go Watch Yourself
Based on the A. M. Shine novel of the same name, the supernatural horror film The Watchers is actually not an M. Night Shyamalan film. It is the directorial debut of his daughter, Ishana Night Shyamalan.
The film follows Mina (Dakota Fanning), whose defining characteristic is that she’s still clinging to the fact that her mother died 15 years ago. She vapes constantly, works at a pet shop, and likes wearing wigs to dress up as anyone else.
Mina is tasked with driving a parrot through the vast Irish countryside to its new, ridiculously rural owner, cruel enough to order from the city. Naturally, Mina gets stranded in the inescapable labyrinth of a forest that swallows lost souls. People who enter this forest never leave.
Mina soon encounters three other survivors: Madeline (Olwen Fouere, The Northman), Ciara (Georgina Campbell, Barbarian), and Daniel (Oliver Finnegan). At night, the four of them take sanctuary in a mirror box known as The Coop.
Mainly serving as a shelter, one wall of The Coop is a one-way mirror (the forest can see in, humans can’t see out). The four must present themselves to the forest every night to appease the strange and deadly creatures threatening to devour them once the sun goes down.
The Watchers is a gorgeous film. Shot on location in the United Kingdom and Ireland, cinematographer Eli Arensen (Lamb) showcases the Irish countryside as this beautiful yet intimidating sea of greenery that never seems to end.
Before the film reveals too much, the creatures in The Watchers have potential early on. With nothing but elongated appendages, sinister shadows, and growls and snarls nasty enough to entice the audience anxiously, The Watchers has hints of something worthwhile featuring a unique movie monster.
But then it’s as if The Watchers stops holding back and finally gives in to smearing fecal matter all over itself, yeeting itself into a giant paper bag, and lighting itself on fire before watching the audience stomp on its remains, sob uncontrollably, and try to make sense of the last 100-minutes of their life.
What the creatures are and what they’re trying to do are bafflingly stupid. Their behavior and what they’re trying to accomplish are asinine. Visual effects in the film were done by Ingenuity Studios (the Happy Death Day films, Freaky) and Cadence Effects (Knock at the Cabin, Old).
The VFX tends to fall apart the more the creatures are shown. By the film’s end, they look as awkward and wonky as the worst bits of Van Helsing or I Am Legend.
Atrocious dialogue and stiff acting are in heated competition to ruin what little remains of enjoying the rest of the film. Dakota Fanning simultaneously overacts (how she says her dialogue is outrageous) and underacts (her face is incapable of expressing emotion).
As Daniel — a character who spends the film trying to win over Ciara, be this great hunter, and give this facetious speech that is a flat-out train wreck — Oliver Finnegan is universally annoying. His line delivery is rough, like swallowing a fork before you eat rough.
The film also has a flashback of Mina as a young girl. The meaning of the flashback is to see what Mina’s life used to be like with her mother and her twin sister, whom she hasn’t spoken to in years. Mina is an obnoxious little twerp as a kid, though. We’re talking radioactive The Babadook levels of bratty child behavior here.
The Watchers has a somewhat intriguing premise that feels clumsy and wobbly even before the film starts diving into its horrid revelations. It’s a poorly written film with overacted dialogue, the dumbest creatures imaginable, and a twist that’s as clever as swapping tap water for club soda.
Even though M. Night Shyamalan is responsible for some of the worst movies in the horror genre, his films usually feature something that keeps your interest until the end. Conversely, A. M. Shine’s The Watchers gets stuck in an underwhelming, boring mudhole from which it never recovers.
The film also resorts to loud jump-scares repeatedly, which always feels cheap. The Watchers is the Fruit Stripe gum of film formulas; The Watchers loses its flavor and appeal as quickly as it attempts to entice.
NEXT: ‘In A Violent Nature’ Review – Take Your Slaughter to Work Day
The Watchers (2024), Warner Bros. Pictures
PROS
- Cinematography.
CONS
- Writing.
- Dialogue.
- Lame creatures.
- So boring.
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