“Reimagined” Toxic Avenger Pays A Visit To Chicago During Annual St. Patrick’s Day Festivities When The River Runs Green
Once again, it is that time of year when the citizens of Chicago, Illinois, leave the dubious safety of their condensed, overpriced domiciles and join the perpetual throng of skyscraper-gazing tourists as they pour along Columbus Drive and Orleans Stree. They all watch as city workers skate across the Chicago River in their small motorboats, spraying 40 pounds of orange-red vegetable-based powder into it for the annual St. Patrick’s Day parade.
It is a tradition that started back in 1962 when local plumbers Union 130 dumped 100 pounds of an oil-based fluorescein dye into the famous river that flows through downtown Chicago. This was part of an effort by then-mayor Richard J. Daley to clean up the river’s waterfront areas, which had been a waste depository for Chicago since time immemorial (go read about Bubbly Creek, if you dare).
Plumbers originally used the dye itself to detect sewage leaks, but they noticed that the mysterious orange substance temporarily changed the water’s color from its usual murky, necrotic green to a far more appealing shade of shamrock. Hence, the St. Patrick’s Day tradition was born.
Despite the dye’s “harmless” formula remaining a heavily guarded secret for over six decades, the ever-compliant (and complacent) townsfolk have not only embraced this yearly occurrence without question, but also relish the moment when they can gather in the shadows of their concrete jungle full of fear, pharmaceuticals, and unhealthy (but still delicious!) food to gaze in bovine wonder as officials continue finding ways to chemically mutate their tired, convalescent bodies without even having to hide it from them.
But this year would bring misshapen hope from unexpected shores. In a city that hasn’t seen a heroic deed since Batman thwarted The Joker’s plan to blow up two ferryboats (along with the passengers onboard) back in 2008, it appears that Tromaville, New Jersey, has sent their greatest superhero to aid the waning midwestern metropolis.
He is known as The Toxic Avenger and has come to mop the forces of evil off the streets of Chicago. All one can say is that it’s better late than never.
Onlookers caught a glimpse of something even further out of the ordinary this past Saturday when the Toxie Street Team set sail across the freshly dyed river to greet the thousands of confused, unsettled faces who had come to celebrate the Celtic saint’s sacred day of inebriated spirits.
The move was done in preparation for Macon Blair’s upcoming remake of The Toxic Avenger coming out this August, and it’s certainly a lot more thoughtful than flooding social media feeds with obnoxious ads all year long. Local horror publication Bloody Disgusting was at the scene to record Toxie’s stylish arrival into town and shared it to their X account.
This “reimagining” of the beloved 1984 comedy gorefest stars Kevin Bacon, Elijah Wood, and Peter Dinklage as Winston Gooze. In the movie, Gooze is a custodian who’s always getting the short end of life’s mophandle until he experiences a freak accident that disfigures his compacted frame and gives him superhuman powers.
That’s when the diminutive downtrodden janitor’s life changes forever, and he becomes…THE TOXIC AVENGER!!!
The online world has begun to bubble with expectation as an unrated movie that struggled to find a distributor for 1.5 years found its savior in Cineverse. It will be dumped into theaters at the end of the summer.
With a considerable amount of time between now and then, there’s no telling what the Toxie Street Team has in store for the helplessly unprepared public, or where they’ll strike next, but they’re always looking for fresh mutants to join their growing ranks, and the enlistment sheet is right here.
The Toxic Avenger (2025) is scheduled to be released in theaters on August 29th but here’s the teaser trailer again, now in March:
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