Spoiler alert: The white people are the killers.
If I’m Neve Campbell, I’m buying a lottery ticket today, because after watching Scream VI, I’m pretty sure being lowballed out of this cornball franchise is the best thing that could have ever happened to her career at this point.
It’s been a year since the Scream franchise crapped on the concept of fandom, and now the franchise is back with a new gimmick: it’s Live From New York City!
Joined by the biracial super twins’ Chad (Mason Gooding, Booksmart) and Mindy (Jasmin Savoy Brown, Spider-Man: Miles Morales), the group known as ‘The Core 4’ – despite having the plot armor of Kenny from South Park – are back to deal with the threat of another serial killer.
After a couple of copycat killers are taken out by the latest incarnation of Ghostface, Sam Carpenter (Melissa Barrera, In The Heights), and her sister Tara (Jenny Ortega, Wednesday) realize they’ve been target by a killer who is upset with the former’s link to past murders.
This leads Ghostface and his would-be victims to engage in a game of cat-and-mouse across the city, which is so ridden with crime that the latest stab murders don’t even make the local news
Last year, Paramount Pictures decided to resurrect the Scream franchise, but of course it’s not enough to bring back a franchise for its hardcore fans – we have to update the franchise for ‘modern audiences’. We have to make the franchise woke!
And they did just that with Scream (2022). In fact, they went so woke that they presented the film’s killers as ‘toxic fans’.
RELATED: Paramount Low Balling Neve Campbell For Scream 6 Is Another Causality Of Woke Reboots
When they’re not spending their time crapping on fans who aren’t content with the ever-constant bastardizations of their favorite IPs (or, specifically, The Last Jedi), it seems Paramount is focused on replacing everyone you love from the previous movies with more diverse counterparts.
The main character of this series now is the daughter of Billy Loomis, Samantha Carpenter, who is played by Barrera as more Hispanic than Charo on an episode of Hollywood Squares. Meanwhile, she’s teamed up with Ortega, Hollywood’s new ‘it’ girl and quite possibly one of the most annoying celebrities to be pushed in recent years.
There’s also Randy Meeks ‘(previously played by Jamie Kennedy, who is now too based to be involved with modern Hollywood) niece and nephew, Mindy and Chad. Not only are they both biracial, but they’re also gay and apparently too strong to die despite being stabbed more times than the patient in a drunken game of Operation.
The diversity characters display a Jason Voorhees-like level of immortality and it makes the film feel like a parody-within-a-parody. The writers clearly put more effort into shooting a scene that lectures their audience about date rape (despite the fact that the college kid cited as an example was drunker than the girl he was trying to sleep with) than telling any sort of interesting story.
And now that Campbell is out of the franchise, the only nostalgia characters this time around are Courtney Cox’s Gale Weathers, who at this point looks one step above Madonna, and Hayden Panettiere’s Kirby Reed, who now looks like someone’s chain smoking mother at the High Roller slots.
The big twist of the movie (as if you or I care) is that the killers are the family of Sam’s boyfriend from the previous film.
The entire premise of this movie only works on the assumption that Sam, who was in a serious relationship with her boyfriend during Scream (2022), had never seen ANY of his family members prior to the events of that film.
The bar for the Scream franchise was pretty low after the last movie, yet somehow Scream VI manages to lower it even further thanks to one thing: progressive storytelling.
Those of you who have been reading this site long enough may have heard the term once or twice before.
It’s essentially shorthand for any story that bases its entire existence on progressive ideology – and when you’re dealing with a film that has woke coming out of its ears, it is very easy to predict precisely what is going to happen.
In a cast reeking of ‘diversity and inclusion’ initiatives, there was no way that the killer of this movie would end up being someone whose identity is considered a ‘protected class’ by the progressive community, because that would be ‘problematic’ for left-wing circles.
Knowing that progressive writers would never allow such a scenario, one just has to go down the list of who progressives hate in real-life to realize the obvious answer as to who could be the killer: white people.
And if you’re watching a progressive film where one of the characters is a white cop, you’ll be able to solve the mystery before the first act of the film is over.
With these types of films, your entire cinematic experience will consist of sitting around for 2 hours waiting to see whether you will be proven wrong before ultimately being proven 100% right.
Progressive stories as Scream VI operate within a bubble and ultimately fall apart as a result.
Folks, the fact that this abomination exists is your fault.
Because the last movie made $140 million worldwide, Paramount is going to churn out so many mediocre movies that they could power a city block with the amount of spinning Wes Craven is and will be doing in his grave.
This film is stupid beyond human belief. There is no universe where a movie that is this easy to predict can be considered good by anyone with an IQ above a football.
If I drove down to Bourbon Street in New Orleans, stripped down naked, put a kazoo up my ass, and started to whistle Dixie, it would make more sense than anything this film has to offer.
In just 13 short months, Scream has surpassed The Fast and Furious for the single dumbest franchise films that Hollywood has to offer today.
Scream VI is a certified lock for one of the top ten worst movies of this year. Don’t even waste your time with it.
Oh, and when the next one comes out next year?
Spoiler alert: The white guy is the killer.
